Want Him Back
by TheGrayson
Summary: Lelouch doesn't want this new, cold Suzaku. He doesn't want an enemy. He just wants his friend back.


**Dedicated to my newfound love of Code Geass. And the beauty that is the angsty, antagonistic relationship between ex-friends-but-not-really Suzu and Lulu, whom I'll eternally love. (Suzu a bit more.)**

**Disclaimer: If I owned CG, then I'd use C.C.'s Geass to make Suzaku fall in love with me and then get a Code so I could live forever young like Suzaku and we'd get married and have babies and he'd name one Genbu for his father and I'd name one Rolo 'cuz I love him and the rest will be beatiful names we'll have hand picked from pretty baby-name books but nothing like Kallen or Nunnally because I don't like them.**

**But I'm still single, so I don't own this. :(**

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><p>Lelouch missed a lot of things about his old life.<p>

He missed being able to show his face in public. He missed being able to joke around with his friends and smile whenever he felt like it. He missed telling Nunnally about his day and hearing her gentle comments. He missed having Suzaku as his best friend, not his greatest enemy.

He almost missed that last one the most.

It was difficult, confiding his true self to only C.C. and Kallen, and even they didn't know him as well as Suzaku did. Nunnally was the only other living person Lelouch had ever truly trusted besides Suzaku, but he couldn't be flat out honest with her, not for her sake.

It had been undeniably heart-wrenching that day when it had been the Lancelot up alone against the Black Knights. The cockpit had been sliced in half and the last person Lelouch had expected to see sitting inside was Suzaku.

It was as if the ex-Eleven had intended on ruining all of his plans.

Suzaku's face had been contorted into a scowl, soot smeared on his face, hatred glinting in his bright green eyes. And all that hatred had been directed at him.

Hatred that had only intensified when Suzaku had figured out who he really was.

Lelouch hated himself too, really. Not for warring with his father's empire or slaying two of his siblings, but for ruining Suzaku's life.

He wasn't the only one to blame. He hadn't forced Suzaku to join the army or renounce Japan or kill his father.

He was, however, the reason Suzaku hadn't smiled in so long. He was why Suzaku's bright, big green eyes had been narrow and dull, cold and calculating in a way they weren't supposed to be. Even at school, Lelouch couldn't remember the last time Suzaku had laughed at something Rivalz had done or smiled when Milly said something funny.

It was all his fault.

Like at Narita, when Suzaku had hesitated to shoot Zero long enough for C.C. to walk up and subject him to horrible shock images. Or when Mao had used his last minutes to run Suzaku emotionally ragged, blurting his deepest secret to Lelouch without considering the scars it had left on Suzaku's heart.

Like at the new SAZ, when Lelouch had forced Suzaku to let a million rebels go freely. Even though there had been two higher-ranking Rounds present, even though Suzaku would have been praised as a hero is he had killed the Japanese, Lelouch knew what would happen.

Only Lelouch knew what Suzaku felt, because Suzaku had long ago once trusted him enough to tell him. He knew how much Suzaku hated himself every time he ended up killing someone. How much he despised himself for not being able to protect everybody.

It was stupid of Suzaku, really, to force himself to take the blame for everything. The old Suzaku had been rash, putting himself first and willing to knock down everybody in his way. It was a difficult Suzaku to live with, but Lelouch desperately wished for that one back.

He didn't want this crazed new Suzaku who didn't care about his own life. He didn't want a Suzaku that was perpetually trying to atone for the patricide he had committed over seven years ago. He didn't want the Suzaku that hated Zero and would do anything to stop him.

He wanted the Suzaku who laughed long and hard, who would fall to the floor crying in his hysterics. He wanted the Suzaku who flashed smiles in gratitude and genuine happiness, not because he was forced to. He wanted the Suzaku who worried more about dinner than how many people he'd be forced to kill. He wanted _his_ Suzaku back.

He didn't want _this_ Suzaku.

The Suzaku with the ripped Knight armor, with blood and ashes smeared on his face. The Suzaku that was tied up in front of him, gagged and bound and struggling as he tried to escape from the Black Knights.

"Finally got him, Zero!" Tamaki smiled and crowed, pressing his handgun into the side of Suzaku's head. The Knight of Seven was forced onto his knees, his hair being pulled roughly back by Ohgi so he'd have to look up at Zero. His jade eyes were smoldering, loathing sparkling in them where friendship would have—should have—been.

Behind them stood Kallen, her back rigid and her shoulders trembling as she looked at her friend being pushed to the ground by her teammates. He blue eyes were wide and glassy as she looked to Zero.

"Good." Lelouch intoned, forcing himself to meet Suzaku's gaze. The fight still hadn't left them and he growled as he was pushed back on his feet none too gently. "Take him to a holding cell. I'll interrogate him later."

Lelouch had never been more grateful that looks couldn't kill.

Suzaku was led away, desperately twisting and turning the whole time. Lelouch knew that the hastily-made cloth gag was the only reason that Suzaku wasn't yelling and screaming curses at him. At Zero, the man who had taken away Euphy, his choices, and his convictions.

At his side, C.C. looked at him curiously. "What are you going to do next?"

Lelouch swallowed hard behind his mask and uttered three words he had never had to say before.

"I don't know."

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><p><strong>You get that feeling when you inexplicably want a bubble bath?<strong>

**Please review.**

**-TG**


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